Man vs Woman

What is it about a man that makes him so contrary? Men and women are like the Ying and Yang – yup and nope – single-celled organism and multi cellular organism – toilet seat up and toilet seat down in life. It’s a miracle a man and woman are even able to coexist under the same roof.

The woman is the decorator – the nest builder. She wants the abode to be a queen’s castle – the envy of Better Homes and Gardens – a stage for Martha Stewart. All the man wants is a place to sit his butt down, and a shelf for his 659 caps.

Our new bathroom is color coordinated with chocolate brown and mocha with a hint of gold. The wastebasket, lotion pump, and tissue holder all match the shower curtain. The soft rug is placed where one steps after enjoying a nice hot shower. The oversized brown towels are soft and fluffy, eager to engulf one in luxury.

The husband has destroyed all this beauty. He has replaced his luxurious brown towels with thread-bare green ones that are 25 years old and have been in the travel trailer for the last 8. “Don’t you like the new brown towels?” “No, they’re too soft.” Say…wha..? Too soft? This makes no sense. And the soft toe-tingling rug has been replaced with a blue scratchy towel circa 1993. Martha has just called for reinforcements.

Husband had to buy a new medicine cabinet – “Need more storage room.” He spent the better part of the afternoon measuring, tapping, drilling, leveling, and securing this HUMONGOUS gun-medal grey box in our new bathroom.

The pictures tell the story better than I.

Man’s Side of the Sink Medicine Cabinet Woman’s Side of the Sink

There are two solutions to this dilemma. Designate one bathroom as a “his” bathroom – preferably in the basement where the Better Homes and Gardens’ camera crew have no chance of finding - or just throw the damn green and blue towels away.

IT'S TIME TO RETIRE WHEN...

The principal doesn’t know your room number…or your phone number.

You haven’t been evaluated for 2 years.

You haven’t gotten a pay increase in 3 years.

They paint your room mustard yellow.

The average classroom temperature is either 84 or 67 degrees.

The air conditioner stops running…in August…in Phoenix.

The students chase the cockroaches around the room…or is it the cockroaches chase the students around the room.

The cockroach takes up permenant residence in the teachers’ bathroom.

They lock the closest bathroom because of the water main leak on the street.

The sidewalk from your building to the cafeteria is gone and you have to walk across a plank.

Your class discussion is interrupted because of the car crashes at the intersection outside your room.

There are more mothers in your classroom than at the maternity ward.

A student’s mom has placed a restraining order on another student, so they can’t be in the classroom at the same time.

At my age, I could be my students’ great-great-grandmother.

Your students have nicer cell phones than you do.

UPS delivers a ticking box to the front office and the entire school is evacuated.

Administration wants all the teachers to park in the same parking lot instead of the lot that is closest to my room. This is a half-mile walk.

The gates are locked during a fire drill.

Our new schedule gives the CTE teachers less time in the classroom and more time to sub in other teachers’ classrooms.

The dean of students is booked for financial exploitation of her elderly neighbor.

An English teacher goes on “administrative leave” for drawing penises on the board.

And the number 1 reason you know it’s time to retire is when…

Your colleagues in your department have had

Rotator cup surgery

A neurological disorder

A pacemaker

Breast cancer

Brain surgery

The Washing Machine

We are all pretty set in our ways when it comes to washing clothes. Some wash whites first, then darks. Some add bleach and softener at various times during a cycle. Yes, we all have our little quirks when it comes to laundry day.

You don’t? Well, I may have a little more OCD in me than most of you. I like to put the detergent and Oxi Clean in first, then the clothes, then as the machine is filling I feel the water to ensure the proper temperature and make sure there aren’t too many clothes in the machine for the amount of water. That way I can use my own judgment and make any changes before the machine does its miracle of washing my soiled duds.

We bought a new washing machine and dryer recently, and I thought we had made the biggest mistake of our lives. You know how it is when you bring something new home – excitement, anticipation, the new smell – I experienced all of the above, until I started the maiden wash.

First of all, husband and I admired the brand new cleaning machine after it was installed. So, we decided to initiate it with a load of whites – basically because we were all out of underwear. We poured in the detergent, loaded the clothes, and lowered the lid. We placed the dials in the correct mode – cool wash, large load, medium agitation – then we pushed the button and stared at this new marvel – and waited.

This new washing machine certainly had its own way of communicating. First it went through a series of clicking and humming sounds. Back and forth – click, click, humm, humm, click, click, click, hummm. What I was really anticipating was a water sound – as in filling up the tub with water. Nope. We stared at the thing for a good 4 – 5 minutes while it clicked and hummed. Then we heard it starting to fill. Thank God. I had phone in hand to have someone come and pick this washing disaster up.

I started to open the lid to check the water temperature and level, but I’ll be damned – the stupid lid was locked – hence the clicking sound. A locking lid – go figure. Probably because somewhere a toddler climbed up and drowned by opening the lid of an agitating washing machine (where’s the mother???) and a pro-bono lawyer won a million dollar settlement, took his $250,000, and so now every manufacturer has to build locking washing machines so they can charge more for the “new and improved” appliances. But I digress. Now I have no idea if there is enough water or if it is the right temperature.

Then we felt steam coming out of the seams of the lid – steam means hot water, and I selected “cool.” I turned the dial to hot, and the steam stopped. Hmmm, cold must mean hot and hot must mean cold. Another feature not mentioned in the instruction booklet.

After clicking and humming for 5 minutes, it started the wash cycle. The only way to describe this noise is to imagine a goose trying to give birth to several eggs at one time. This poor goose moaned and groaned for a good 30 minutes. I closed the door, I went into the kitchen, I went outside - I could still hear the goose struggling. I prayed the neighbors didn’t come over.

I went back to the store to complain and get a new washer, but after reading the mixed reviews online, all the new washing machines have these locking lids and adjusting tubs. I guess I’ll just have to live with the goose who is locked in jail. On the flip side, the spin cycle is the quietest I’ve ever not heard.