ON DIETING

The first step is to admit that you have a problem - so, I confess. I love to eat. I love all kinds of food, chocolate, and drink, so I have declared myself a food-oholic - but not yet an alcoholic. I have also dubbed myself the queen of yo-yo dieting. I have lost and gained the same 30 pounds for the last 40 years - each decade depositing an extra 10 pounds that never seem to go away. My niece says that I like to “eat, drink, and be merry.” Damn straight!!

My dieting schemes are a variety of what really works, the latest fad, and the down-right dangerous.

Weight Watchers is one that really works. I started WW in the dark ages when I had to make my own ketchup and eat liver once a week. My family has never forgiven me for that, and may have been one of the reasons my daughter declared herself a vegetarian. Another drawback of WW is husband - who has weighed the same 145 pounds for the past 50 years (jerk) and who loses more weight than I do when I am dieting (asshole).

I’m sure if I turned vegetarian I could lose the pounds and keep them off. Remember, however, I am a food-oholic. I really love to sink my teeth into a nice-juicy medium rare steak. I live for good Mexican food - carne arsada and shredded cheese - olé. And there’s nothing like a freshly roasted turkey with giblet gravy. Besides, soy gives me the farts - which can be pretty embarrassing when walking between desks leaning over to help students.

Then there are the fad diets. I’ve tried the protein shakes, the Atkins, and the low fat.

To show my dedication, I sold Slender Now - a popular protein shake regimen in the 70‘s. I have discovered, however, that I need to experience the chewing process - the crunchier and saltier the better, actually.

Loved the Atkins - I got to eat all the bacon and eggs I wanted, not to mention cheese and beef. Can’t understand why the weight loss was not that great...

Then there was the low fat diet. My daily intake went something like this:

Breakfast: High fiber cereal made with little squares of cardboard, tree twigs, and wheat stalks and 1/4 cup skim milk (water with white food coloring).

Snack: A very small apple.

Lunch: 1/4 cup tuna packed in water on top of a whole bunch of lettuce, no dressing, and as many carrots and celery that can fit in the bowl.

Snack: 1/2 of a banana

Dinner: A grilled piece of skinless, boneless, tasteless chicken that fits in the palm of a four-year old’s hand. 1/2 cup green beans.

Starvation set in and that is what added the extra 10 pounds to my thighs.

When I reached the all-time high for my bone frame and height (a size 8 screaming to escape my size 14 body), my doctor prescribed Fen-Phen pills. These were amazing. They really curbed my appetite, I ate less without chomping on carrots all day, and I actually did lose 30 pounds. Too bad people had to die.

So husband says to me, “Why don’t you just eat less and exercise more.” What? These words came out of the mouth of a man who can eat and drink anything he wants and doesn’t gain an ounce? I almost slapped him up side the head with my turkey drumstick. And so the yo-yo rolls on - I’m unwinding on the low carbohydrate diet - until Christmas.