So, I think I’m hot shit going shopping with my Coach bag and Rolex watch. No one needs to know that I bought the Coach bag off Face Book for $75. And the Rolex watch is circa 1955 – a gem that I inherited from my grandmother. And no one needs to know that my mother replaced the gold innards of the Rolex watch with a quartz movement. And no one needs to know I bought my cashmere Jones of New York sweater set on sale – no – on the clearance rack – last chance before it goes to the outlet store. But, that’s the way you have to dress when shopping in Scottsdale with all the plastic faces and saline boobs. I can dress in my most expensive outfits, and still look like trailer trash when I want to hit the sales at the Scottsdale malls.
Now, I have been to Chicos before – and never been assisted by the snotty little size 0 18-year old wanna be’s. But, just last Christmas I had wandered into Chicos with my $75 genuine Coach bag and all of a sudden they were all over me – explaining the sizes – asking if I needed help. When I was making my purchase – extracting my American Express card out of my Coach bag – that’s when it happened – they actually offered me the ultimate prize – a Chico card that would give me discounts for every $1,000 that I would spend. Pay Dirt!! I was finally one of the Scottsdale elite.
Today was the ultimate humiliation. It was my own fault. I didn’t ask how much it was. That’s for people who shop Target – not the Lancome counter at Macy’s. How much could face moisturizer cost anyway. So this sweet little thing in her black French smock seemed very excited that I had not only chosen an age-reversing moisturizer, but also a night cream that was certain to lift and tingle the wrinkles away. She was scurrying around dropping samples of eye shadow in my bag, filling out a personalized information card on me, and making sure I received the right color lipstick – a 24-dollar value. Great – all done – goodie bag filled up - sign here on this little electronic pad that can’t possibly read your signature. I almost choked when I saw the total staring back at me. What do I do? My Coach bag is sitting on the counter. My Rolex watch is blinging on my wrist. The sweet-young clerk is smiling with a star shining from her tooth. As I steadied my hand, I signed the glass that reflected several hours of salary in American dollars. The box that contained my purchases must have been made from 24 carat gold. So what if I don’t buy groceries for a week – and besides that, I have 30 days to pay on my credit card. My complexion will be beautiful – the wrinkles will all be gone - and I will look 20 – no – 30 years younger. Just repeat after me - I’m worth it, damn it.