Saturday, March 7, 2015

Advice Column

Dear Auntie B:

I’ve put on a little weight and was wondering if you could give me some dieting advice. I need to lose about 100 pounds.

Signed, Hefty in Havasu.

Dear Hefty:

Well, Sweetie Pie, the best way to lose weight quickly is to not eat anythin’. This is called the Starvation Diet. Ya must, however, make sure ya drink plenty of water – it prevents ya from becomin’ too dehydrated as yer body starts to shut down and dies. Dyin’ from lack of food is not as painful as dyin’ from dehydration.

Ya could always find a doctor who will prescribe some of those little pills called Fen Phen – they work miracles. Ya can lose 30 pounds in 30 days takin’ Fen Phen, Sugar Plum. Unfortunately, ya might develop primary pulmonary hypertension and high blood pressure. Then there will be all kinds of lawsuits, and in the end, yer lawyer, Joe Torts, Esq., will take most of yer settlement, Baby Cakes.

Another good way to lose weight, Honey Buns, is to follow the Weight Watchers plan. Ya have to be good at math and like to count, though, because there are points assigned to everythin’ ya put in yer mouth. For example, if ya want a glass of wine, it’ll cost ya points. A bottle of wine could add up to a day’s worth of points – not a bad diet, though, Sweet Pea. I remember the days when I made my own ketchup and forced my family to eat liver once a week while I was on Weight Watchers. Come to think of it, that’s probably why my daughter became a vegetarian.

If ya like milkshakes, there are a variety of protein shake diets ya can follow, like Herbalife, Lean Body, Slim Fast – appealing names, huh, Sweet Cheeks? If that’s all ya want to do is drink yer meals, and I’m not talkin’ alcoholic drinks here, then this would be a good program for ya. However, be sure ya have plenty of ExLAX, MiraLAX, or DulcoLAX on hand because all that protein, Honey, is gonna stop you up. And, I don’t know about you, Darlin’, but after one week doin’ nothin’ but drinkin’ shakes is gonna make ya want to kill for somethin’ salty and crunchy, like potato chips.

My best advice to ya, Hefty Beefy, is to pick yer big fat ass up off the couch, throw away the bag of cookies that yer munchin’ on right now, and start walkin’. In other words, Puddin’ Pie, eat less sugar, more dark green veggies, more fruit, and exercise the hell out of those thunder thighs and butter butt.

Auntie B

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